Who Am I

I am Hannah’s mom. Like most moms, I clearly remember the day she was born, twenty-three years ago today. I couldn’t wait to meet her. I agreed with my midwife to be induced on her due date, as I didn’t want to be late again and deliver a twelve-pound baby. After the births of my boys, that was the trajectory I was on with Hannah. We also didn’t want to have to race around the Sound in the middle of the night like we did when I was in labor with Andrew. We barely made it to the hospital before I delivered my ten-and-a-half-pound son. So, after walking miles around Seattle and getting maybe an hour of sleep in a hotel, we made it to the Capitol Hill Group Health in plenty of time for Hannah’s birth at dawn. Happy Birthday, sweet girl.

In her honor, I’m releasing this website, which has been a long time in the making! Here you will find information about my soon-to-be-published book, A Soul Lives On, my work as a practicing astrologer, and my current thoughts and activities. I am in much better shape than I was when Hannah passed away nearly eleven years ago. And I think she’s proud of me for what I’ve accomplished with my writing. I’ve certainly been changed by her death. Who I am and what I do is not the same as when Hannah was here.

Who am I? I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a friend. I am a dog walker, a gardener, a baker, an occasional runner, a creative Leo, an event planner, a caregiver, and a whole lot more.

So, who do I think I am now that I can be a writer? Write a book? Write a blog?

I never considered myself a writer before. My education was in the health sciences, not English. I don’t know all the rules. I lack the grammar and the vocabulary of many authors. But fourteen years ago when Hannah got sick, I began to write in earnest. After she died, I found writing to be cathartic and healing, but I didn’t imagine that I would turn my writing into a book one day. I was too depressed, in too much grief, and too lost. I didn’t know who or what I was anymore. But writing has given me a purpose. It’s given me clarity. It’s given me hope. And for that, I am grateful.

Over the years, time has healed me, and now I have a story to tell. In addition to giving tribute to Hannah, I have been gifted with miraculous and merciful experiences that need to be told in the hopes that it helps someone else who is grieving.

In my first blog post on my first-ever website about my first book, I want to express my gratitude. I wouldn’t have a story to tell or love in my heart without Hannah. I have the love and support of my husband, Bill, and our boys, Ryan and Andrew. Our oldest son, Adam, and his wife, Alexis, have made me a grandma Reebie, which I cherish.

I am grateful for my sister, Linda, for gracing me with her wisdom, her loving presence, and her undying loyalty.

I am thankful for my brother, Claude, for being part of my original tribe, for literally running beside me, and for challenging me to take care of myself.

I have much love and appreciation for Alli Bannerman Beattie, who in those early years was the best big sister our kids could ever hope for, who didn’t leave Hannah’s side when she was dying, and who’s now a mom herself.

And of course, my deep gratitude for our faithful dogs and cats who have been part of the family over the years.

I am blessed to have the best friends in the world. I am grateful for my soul sisters whom I have known since we all had our children. These women taught me how to be a better mom and a better friend. I am grateful for the radically honest and understanding girlfriends in the “Shitty First Draft Writing Group” who have also lost children. I am grateful for the teachers, the counselors, and the mentors who have brought me out of the darkness. I am grateful for those women whom I have cared for since Hannah died, giving me a purpose and a new path.

I am graced to know the compassionate, brilliant human, Dr. Jim Olson. When his efforts to try to save Hannah were not possible, he supported Bill and me and gave us a cause to fight for.

I am so fortunate that my path crossed with Steve Forrest, wise astrological counselor and teacher. He supported me as Hannah was leaving her earthly body, and later helped me to understand why she came here in the first place.

I wouldn’t have known Steve were it not for Andrea Conlon, my first astrology teacher and counselor. She recognized that I had a gift for this ancient art, introduced me to a wealth of resources, and encouraged my writing.

And in that world, I’m grateful to author Jennifer Louden and the women at the Vermont writer’s retreat, for believing in me and giving me a safe space in which to explore my stories.

My book, A Soul Lives On, would not have seen the light of day were it not for the teaching and guidance of editors, Nancy Silk and Beth Wright. I am so grateful for their contributions to my writing and to this book.

And finally, the creation of this website would not have been possible without the patient and technical expertise of my son, Andrew. Gratitude doesn’t begin to describe my feelings towards him.

My friend and fellow bereaved mom, Robin, says that grief and gratitude go hand in hand. I am learning this is true. For all of you who have walked beside me, listened, taught, coached, inspired, laughed, cried, or loved me…thank you.